Ultimatums are often seen as a negative in relationships, which is true...but only because of how they are framed.

When they're structured effectively, "issuing an ultimatum" becomes "enforcing a boundary."

What is an ultimatum?

I’m willing to bet almost everyone reading this is familiar has a story about ultimatums in relationships, whether it be about ultimatums they were given by someone or ultimatums they issued themselves.

Marriam Webster defines an ultimatum as “a final proposition, condition, or demand.”

Examples of ultimatums commonly heard in relationships would be “If you don’t stop going out and partying every weekend, I’m breaking up with you” or “Either you stop talking to that girl at work who keeps flirting with you or we’re over.”

The problem with ultimatums when they’re issued in this way is that they’re manipulative and coercive.

When framed as “Do/don’t do X or Y will happen,” the person’s autonomy is removed from the equation. It’s implying that they don’t have a choice and there’s no room for discussion.

Continuously being given ultimatums makes a person feel like a puppet. Like they have no say in the things they do or don’t do if they want to keep things how they are.

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The “Do/don’t do X or we’re over” ultimatums can be categorized as macro ultimatums. They’re big statements that have the consequence of the relationship being terminated.

There can also be smaller, less terminal ultimatums called micro ultimatums. These would be ultimatums like, “If you go golfing again this weekend, you’re sleeping on the couch tonight.” The consequence isn’t necessarily that the ultimatum issuer will end the relationship, but they’re making it clear that if you do the thing they don’t want you to do, you’ll be coming home to an argument and a stressful home.

Ultimatums in general are like a slow burn or suffocation. They create a sense of self-loathing because the person being faced with ultimatum after ultimatum no longer feels like themselves and they aren’t really sure when or how that happened.

Country star Brad Paisley released a song in 2002 titled “I’m Gonna Miss Her” and though it’s meant for entertainment, it’s the perfect example of a problematic ultimatum in a relationship.

He sings about his girlfriend giving him an ultimatum, forcing him to choose between fishing and staying at home with her:

But today she met me at the door

Said I would have to choose

If I hit that fishing hole today

She'd be packing all her things

And she'd be gone by noon

The chorus goes on to say he’s going to miss her, but right now he’s enjoying sitting in the sun with a fishing line in the water…implying he didn’t fall into her ultimatum and chose to go fishing.

So, how can ultimatums be a good thing in relationships?

If worded and communicated properly, giving “ultimatums” can actually be enforcing a healthy boundary.

A boundary, unlike an ultimatum, clearly defines what someone feels is acceptable in a relationship and what isn’t while maintaining their independence and autonomy.

Here is an example of a healthy boundary being used effectively in a relationship:

Nina and James have been dating for 1 year. James decided at a young age that he didn’t want to drink alcohol, but Nina goes out for drinks with friends fairly regularly. James doesn’t really like that Nina goes out drinking, but if it makes her happy then he’s not going to try and stop her.

One night, Nina comes home at 3am and is more drunk than usual. She wakes James up because of all the noise she’s making.

James is annoyed and decides that this isn’t the type of partner he wants to be with. The next day, James tells Nina, “If going out and getting drunk every weekend is something you want to keep doing, that’s your choice. But alcohol is something I don’t want to be part of my life and I’m not willing to be in a relationship with someone who regularly goes out and gets drunk. If going out for drinks is something you want to continue doing, I can’t be in this relationship anymore.

It may sound like James is giving Nina the ultimatum of “Stop going out for drinks or we’re breaking up,” but he’s actually not.

He’s clearly stating that Nina is still free to make the choice to go out for drinks every weekend if that’s what she wants to do, but clearly defining his boundary of not wanting to be in a relationship with someone who has that priority.

With James’s boundary clearly defined, Nina can make a fully informed decision. If she decides that going out for drinks is important to her, then maybe her and James aren’t compatible. If she decides that her relationship with James is more important, then maybe she stops going out for drinks all together and starts suggesting her friends do other activities together (which, if they’re truly her friends, they’d be more than happy to do other things with her that doesn’t involve alcohol).

The takeaway

Ultimatums in the traditional sense are problematic in relationships. The person giving the ultimatum is essentially demanding the other person change their behavior.

Instead, the “ultimatum” can be phrased in a manner that actually defines it as a healthy boundary. With healthy boundaries, the other person is still able to make a fully informed decision where they know the results of either choice they make.