Have the Relationship You Want to Have: Different Doesn’t Mean Flawed

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost a decade. That’s 10 years of living with each other under the same roof. The same roof under which the Grape War of 2015 occurred, when we stood on opposite sides of the apartment and basically played dodgeball with grapes. It was a blast, but we were still cleaning grape bits off the wall when we left that apartment in 2018.

While we’ve experienced some high highs and some low lows over the years, we only continue to grow stronger and fall more in love. We’re each other’s favorite human in the world.

Still, I’ve had people tell me they’re afraid our relationship isn’t solid or stable and that my boyfriend and I are more like roommates than partners. “You both keep so many things separate, how can you be a couple?”

This is true. We keep a lot of our belongings separate.

We each have our own bookshelves and books. We even have two copies of some books because he’s particular about keeping books in pristine condition while to me, a little wear and tear just means a book is loved.

We have separate french presses and separate bags of coffee. He likes different coffee than I do and we each prefer the feel of our respective presses over the other.

We also have separate groceries in the cabinets and fridge. Right now, I can go into the fridge and grab a can of pop off my shelf and not have to think about if I’ve already had my half of what we bought. If I move a snack from my shelf to his shelf in the cabinet he knows I no longer want any of it and he’s free to eat the rest.

In addition to believing our relationship isn’t real, people also tend to think I’m lying when I say any of the following:

1. My boyfriend and I never get jealous. We both train Brazilian jiu-jitsu. Meaning we are up close and personal with our training partners on a regular basis. If we didn’t trust each completely and got jealous every time the other rolled with someone of the opposite sex, neither of us would have the time or energy to do anything productive with our lives.
   
2. We never fight. Well, there was one time (yes, literally only one time) we legitimately argued, but it was only because we didn’t properly communicate what was going on. We disagree and get frustrated with each other sometimes, but we never fully argue.
   
3. We never get tired of being together. We both work from home. We’re with each other pretty much 24/7 and while we’re not codependent, neither of us wish it were any different. Even if we’re both sitting on the couch but doing separate things, him writing a newsletter issue and me cross-stitching or reading, we both just truly enjoy each other’s company and genuinely miss each other when one of us has to go somewhere without the other.

Despite this being the best and happiest relationship both of us have been in, people still see our relationship as flawed, broken, or unrealistic.

Just because our relationship doesn’t fit everyone’s schema for what a relationship between two people should be doesn’t mean it’s a flawed relationship. It just means it’s different.

Think about it. We constantly encourage people to be different and unique at the individual level, but when it comes to a relationship we get confused, doubtful, or even skeptical if it’s not like everyone else’s relationship.

If we would have listened to the comments from most of the people around us, my boyfriend and I wouldn’t be going on 10 years stronger than ever.

It doesn’t matter if your relationship isn’t like any other relationship you see. All that matters is that you and your partner are happy.

So, if your relationship works for the people involved and provides you with everything you want it to, then you're just fine. Let the culture around you move as it will and be present in your own space with your partner.

Let your relationship be what it is naturally instead of what others think it should be.