Domestic violence: Why anger management isn’t the solution

“They need to go to anger management classes.”

This is the common response people have when they learn someone is abusive toward their partner. They believe abusers can’t control their anger and that’s the only explanation for them being violent toward someone they supposedly love.

Saying abusers are violent toward their partners because of a lack of control of their emotions is giving them an out. It’s an excuse for their behavior. It’s saying, “They can’t help it.” 

Even though people believe domestic violence is a terrible thing that shouldn’t happen, saying it happens because of a lack of control makes it more digestible. It’s easier to fathom someone harming their partner because they can’t help it rather than because they’re doing it intentionally as a form of control.

Here’s the thing. Anger management is the last thing abusers need. They already know how to manage their anger perfectly.

Otherwise, they would be abusive all the time. They would be abusive in public, around friends and family, and to everyone. Instead, they save their anger until they’re behind closed doors, and they only take it out on their partner.

They use it as a form of manipulation and control. They use it as a way to isolate their partner from their support system. If an abuser is likable around their partner’s friends and family, those people would find it hard to believe if they’re told that person is actually violent.

Let's take a look at 2 versions of a scenario.

Scenario 1

Sophia and her husband, Mark, went to a family gathering last weekend. Sophia’s childhood friend, Jared, was also invited and when he showed up, Sophia gave him a hug because she hadn’t seen him in a while.

Mark immediately got angry and started accusing Sophia of cheating on him with Jared. In front of everyone, Mark started throwing dishes at the wall and calling Sophia all kinds of names, with her whole family standing right there. Then Mark grabbed Sophia by the arm and dragged her to the car and they left.

Are you having a hard time picturing that situation actually happening? Has anyone you know had a situation like this?

That’s because Sophia’s situation isn’t how domestic violence typically happens. This is more so what it looks like when someone has a short temper or issues with impulse control.

This is the person that flies off the handle when someone cuts them off in traffic or takes their parking spot. The person that is ready to fight with someone at the bar for accidentally bumping into them. The person who gets angry and lashes out any time, any place, and at anyone.

Scenario 2

This time when Sophia hugged Jared at the party, Mark walked over and said hi to Jared and even shook Jared’s hand. They talked about how things have been since the last time they saw each other. Everything seemed normal to everyone else at the party.

A few hours later, when Sophia and Mark got back home, Mark immediately started yelling at Sophia, asking how long she’s been sleeping with Jared behind his back. He accused her of cheating because she hugged Jared at the party. Mark picked up a table lamp and threw it at the wall next to Sophia’s head, got in her face and started belittling her. 

He told Sophia she’s lucky to have him because no one else would forgive her for something like this and she should be grateful that he’s a good person. Mark then smashed Sophia’s phone so she couldn’t talk to Jared anymore.

The next morning, Sophia went back to her parents’ house and told them what happened. They told her she must be overreacting because Mark seemed fine when Jared showed up at the party.

This second version of Sophia’s story is the more realistic of the two. Even if this version still seems far-fetched to you, there’s a high probability that someone you know has experienced something similar. This is how domestic violence typically plays out.

Abusers keep their true selves hidden from view

The issue is that people think the mask abusers wear in public is their real face. Abusers tend to be very likable to their friends and family and to their partner’s friends and family. Their loved ones couldn’t possibly imagine them being violent because they never see it happen. That’s because the mask is on as soon as they step into public and it stays on until they’re back behind closed doors with their partner. 

The masked version of an abuser is the only version other people know. People other than the abuser’s partner has no idea they are even wearing a mask, let alone what they look like underneath the mask.

Abusers are masters at hiding their true violent selves from everyone. Masters at putting a pin in their anger and only letting it out when they’re along with their partner.

Anger management classes aren’t the solution

By continuing to believe anger management is the answer, we perpetuate the problem of domestic violence. We continue to almost brush it off as if it’s something society has no ability to stop. If abuse is an impulse that can’t be helped, then there’s nothing anyone can do to stop or prevent it.

Experts still aren’t exactly sure what the best solution is, but we know it’s not anger management.

We are constantly learning and researching the nuances of domestic violence so we can not only help victims of domestic violence, but help those who engage in abusive behaviors reshape those behaviors and perceptions of what’s acceptable in a relationship.

Currently, the working model for helping abusers stop abusing involves multi-week classes and therapy. 

These classes, instead of focusing on anger and impulse control, focus on the root of the abusive behavior. Professionals help abusers discover the causes and how they developed the beliefs that control and abuse is an acceptable form of love. They help these individuals unlearn the abusive behaviors and perceptions so they can move forward with a better understanding of healthy relationships.

Abuse is a learned behavior. It is not an inability to control anger and impulses. Anger management is not the solution to stopping and preventing domestic violence.