Conviction: The hidden reason domestic violence victims don’t leave abusive relationships

“Rychelle, it’s Jane*. I’m at the hospital. He almost killed me this time. I think next time he will. I can’t do this anymore. Can you all help me?”

Jane’s abuser knew the location of our emergency shelter, so she couldn’t come stay long term.

This wasn’t the first time he’d almost killed her.

She’d left him a dozen times before, but kept going back…

“What could we do differently this time to help her leave for good?” I thought to myself.

—

That’s the beginning of my strongest holiday memory.

Not all the years spent at my Grandma’s house for Christmas Eve dinner before she passed away.

Not packing up my car and driving on highway after highway up to Pittsburgh with Corey to spend time with my family after spending time in West Virginia with his.

Christmas in 2017 was a little different. 

I was working at the local domestic violence shelter, finishing up a shift before Corey and I would make that familiar drive up I-79 to my mom’s house in Pittsburgh.

It was just like any other December day in West Virginia. It was cold. The skies were gray. The sidewalks were covered with snow and slush.

After the phone call with Jane, we picked her up from the hospital and brought her back to the shelter to figure out her next steps.

We got her some warmer clothes because she had run out of her abuser’s house barefoot, wearing only the shorts and tank top she was sleeping in the night before.

My boss and I sat opposite of Jane in the main office and quietly listened to her tell us what happened. How he had strangled her unconscious. The more she spoke, the more hoarse her voice got because he had damaged her voice box.

Then she looked at us and said, “I want to go stay with my mom in Townsville*, but I don’t want to interrupt your holiday plans. It can wait until after Christmas.”

My boss looked at me and we had one of those telepathic conversations you see in the movies. I nodded.

My boss then turned back to Jane and said, “We’re buying you a bus ticket right now and Rychelle is going to take you to the bus station.”

So, I called Corey, and then my mom, and told them about the change in holiday plans.

Then, at 6:00am Christmas Eve morning, instead of waking up at my mom’s to the smell of ham, pierogies, and mushroom soup wafting through the house, I was sitting with Jane on a bench outside the Greyhound bus station. We couldn’t even sit inside and stay warm because the building was locked due to the holiday.

“You don’t need to stay here with me. Go be with your family. I’ll be fine.” Jane kept repeating this, but her eyes kept telling me something different.

I looked at her and said, “This is way more important. I’m honestly afraid that if I leave you here by yourself, you won’t get on the bus. That you’ll scare yourself into leaving and you’ll go back to him.”

After a handful of silent seconds, Jane said, “You’re absolutely right.”

A few hours later (thanks to unreliable bus schedules), Jane squeezed my hand and said the most heartfelt “Thank you” I’ve ever received. She stepped onto the bus and waved to me through the window as it pulled away.

I cried some tears of relief, texted my boss that Jane was finally leaving Hell behind. Then I went home and packed the Christmas gifts for my niece and nephew into the car and drove to Pittsburgh.

How domestic violence robs you of conviction

On average, a domestic violence victim will leave and go back to their abuser 7 to 9 times before they make the decision to leave for good. Why does it take that long when their life is on the line?

Leaving their abuser is oftentimes when they are in the most danger. Their abuser has worked to keep them subdued and maintain control over them. When they try to leave, that control is being threatened. This is when abusers are most likely to kill their partners.

Even though they constantly suffer abuse, the abuse is familiar. If they stay, they know where their abuser is. They can predict their abuser’s next move, even if it’s a violent one.

If they leave, they lose that ability to see what’s coming next and every sound they hear or person they see out of the corner of their eye becomes a potential threat. To them, the unknown is worse than the abuse.

A few other beliefs that may cause a domestic violence victim to stay:

• no one else can or will love them because they’re “too damaged.”
• they can’t financially support themselves and/or their children if they leave because their abuser is the only one with an income.
• they deserve the abuse because that’s what their abuser has been telling them the entirety of their relationship.

Abusers cause a person’s perception and reality to become so warped, that leaving the relationship is actually a scarier thought than staying and continuing to endure the abuse.

All of these reasons, and a few others, are why a domestic violence victim may decide to leave their abuser, but then change their mind and decide to stay.

All of these reasons cause their conviction to waver.

Conviction is a universal experience, especially when it comes to relationships. Even though it can still be a difficult decision, people make the decision to end a relationship they no longer want to be in and follow through on that decision all the time.

But people who have never been in an abusive relationship may have never experienced wavering conviction.

They may not understand why someone would change their mind and decide to stay with an abusive partner.

This is where we see a lot of victim blaming. This is where we see a lot of friends and family members throw up their hands and say “I give up on trying to help them” when someone decides to go back to their abuser.

Victims can borrow conviction from others

I knew Jane’s conviction was likely to waiver if I didn’t stay at the bus station with her. I knew she’d go back to her abuser.

So, I let her borrow some of my conviction.

By staying by her side through the whole process immediately when she made the decision to leave, I was silently telling her “I also have conviction that this decision you have made for yourself is the right decision. Let me bolster your conviction with my own and help you follow through with this decision that will save your life.”

It’s like when you tie supports to a tree to help it stay up until it grows big and strong. The tree is still the one doing the actual growing, just like Jane is the one making the decision to leave, but the supports hold the tree up until it’s strong enough to stand on its own.

A message to domestic violence victims

If you’ve ever made the decision to leave your abuser and then changed your mind, that’s okay. You’re not weak. You’re not a failure. You’re not a disappointment.

Your abuser has just stolen your conviction.

Until you can build your own back up, find someone to borrow conviction from the next time you make the decision to leave.

Whether it’s a friend, a family member, or the advocates at your local shelter, find a support system.

Trust me, advocates at any shelter will sit at the bus station with you in single digit weather on Christmas Eve if it means finally getting you to safety.

A message to allies of victims

When someone you know is going through domestic violence, lend them your conviction.

If they call you at 3am and say it’s time for them to leave their abuser, help them at that moment. If you wait until morning, they’ll likely have changed their mind.

Leaving an abusive partner isn’t about waiting until it’s convenient. It’s about working up enough courage, enough conviction, to make the decision to leave.

Remember abusers steal conviction from their victims. Lending conviction to a victim can be one of the most helpful things we do.