Common Myths About Domestic Violence

Domestic violence is a topic few people talk about. It’s a difficult topic to navigate because it’s unique. It’s really the only type of violence that doesn’t happen in public. Domestic violence typically only happens behind closed doors, so it’s hard for people who don’t experience it to fully understand what’s going on.

Here’s a dive into some of the most common myths about domestic violence and an explanation into why these myths are far from the reality domestic violence victim-survivors experience.

Myth 1: If it's bad enough, the person would leave.

The most dangerous point in a domestic violence situation is when the victim decides to leave. This is when the abuser starts to lose control. This is also the point at which most DV homicides occur because the abuser will do just about anything to keep their partner from leaving them.

Some people experiencing domestic violence truly believe they have nowhere to go. This could be because their abuser has isolated them from everyone. It could also be that they aren't aware of helpful community organizations or shelters in their area (more on shelters later).

A lot of DV victims are financially dependent on their abuser for things like childcare or medical care. Many abusers limit their partner’s access to financial resources so they aren’t able to save up money to live on their own, especially if they have children they have to support.

When domestic violence victim-survivors do leave, those with children often still have to share custody with their abuser. This means they have to see their abuser when they drop off and pick up their children and remain in contact with their abuser because they have children together. Many people in this situation would prefer to stay in an abusive relationship because it is less stressful than leaving but having to stay in contact.

Myth 2: A restraining order will fix the problem.

Again, leaving the relationship is the most dangerous point for the victim. Protective orders, while legally helpful, can be dangerous because the police have to serve the order to the abuser. This means the abuser knows the victim filed for the protective order and this can cause imminent danger for the victim and anyone trying to help them.

In most cases, both parties have to physically attend a court hearing for a protective order to be granted. The victim will have to be face to face with their abuser when telling a judge about the abuse that has taken place. Many victims can’t fathom doing this and are too scared of what their abuser may do or say.

Even when a protective order is granted, in the end it is still just a piece of paper. The order simply means punishment will occur if the abuser violates the conditions laid out in the order. There is nothing truly stopping the abuser from violating the order.

Myth 3: If the victim doesn't show up to court to renew the protective order, the problem isn't a problem anymore.

Another issue with protective orders is that they are temporary (only a handful of states offer permanent protective orders and only in certain circumstances). The length of a protection order can vary from 30 days to 5 years. At the end of that time frame, both parties have to return to court and start the process over again. The victim-survivor has to state whether they believe they are still in danger and the abuser has to prove that they are no longer a threat.

Abusers may be able to talk their victims into not renewing the protective order, whether it be through threats, gaslighting, or love-bombing tactics. Love-bombing basically means the abuser showers their partner with love and affection, leading them to believe the abuse is over.

Another reason victim-survivors may not show up for their protection order renewal court hearing is that they are too afraid to face their abuser again. They often just want to move on and put the entire situation behind them. They may also remember how scary it was facing their abuser in court the first time and refuse to go through that again.

Even if they are willing to face their abuser and wish to have the protective order extended, some people may not be able to take time off of work to attend court because they cannot afford to miss that paycheck. If the victim-survivor moved to a different city or state for one reason or another, they will need to go back to the court they originally filed for the protection order in order to get it extended. This could be difficult if they are unable to travel back to the original jurisdiction.

Myth 4: Going to a shelter is a viable solution for everyone.

Because of liability issues, many shelters have policies prohibiting people from bringing animals (excluding service animals) with them into the shelter. These policies often prevent many people from using shelter services because they are unwilling to give up their pet. Their pet was more than likely the largest source of comfort they had while experiencing the abuse. They also may not want to leave their pet behind in fear of what their abuser may do to the pet after they leave. Harming or threatening to harm pets is a common tactic abusers use to keep their victims from leaving.

Most shelters can't house a person if their abuser knows the shelter's location. This is due to the obvious safety concerns this causes for the victim, the other shelter residents, and the shelter employees.

Policies against substance abuse prevent those with active addictions to use shelter services. Drug use is common among domestic violence victims as either a coping mechanism to deal with the abuse or because their abuser forced them to use drugs as a tactic to keep the victim under their control.

Shelters have limited space, so there simply may not be openings. Shelters in less populated areas may only have 5 to 10 beds and the average length of stay in domestic violence shelters is around 3 months.

Some people are not physically near a shelter and cannot relocate due to work or other obligations. It is common for one shelter to cover a service area of multiple counties, meaning the nearest shelter could be too far away.

Due to limited space, shelters often require residents to share bedrooms. Various trauma histories may lead to some people being unable to live in public/semi-public spaces with people they do not know.

Myth 5: Domestic violence is separate from other forms of violence.

Many mass shootings are directly related to domestic violence. One study from 2021 found that among mass shootings in the United States from 2014 to 2019, over two-thirds involved either the shooter targeting their intimate partner or a family member or the shooter having a history of domestic violence. It’s also common for mass shooters to have witnessed domestic violence in their home throughout their childhood.

Myth 6: A lack of visible injury signals lack of seriousness of the situation.

Most abusers are very strategic, so they will either only leave bruises where they aren't visible to others or they won’t use enough force to leave a physical mark on their victims. Many abusers will avoid the risk of physical injury altogether and will instead use psychological and emotional abuse.

Sometimes it is easier to heal from physical injury than it is to heal from psychological injury. Victim-survivors who have experienced psychological or emotional abuse often still suffer the long-term effects years later. These long-term effects can include self-doubt, anxiety, depression, body dysmorphia, lack of trust in others, etc.

While recognizing they are in an abusive relationship is difficult for all victims, sometimes it is easier to realize when there is physical abuse versus psychological/emotional abuse. Many victims may not understand that what they are experiencing is abuse. They may believe their abuser is just being protective or jealous, or that they “just have bad days sometimes.” Other people think that if they do the things their abuser wants them to do, there won’t be a problem (for example, having dinner ready and on the table when their abuser gets home from work).

Wrapping Up

Again, because domestic violence happens behind closed doors, it’s difficult to fully understand what the victim-survivor experiences.

Last year, I read No Visible Bruises by Rachel Louise Snyder and in the preface, she mentions all of these myths. It’s an excellent resource for better understanding the complex world of domestic violence, why victims stay, her observations of programs for abusers, & the experiences of those on the front lines fighting the problem. In fact, some states are using her book as official training material for first responders. I highly recommend it!

As for how we combat these myths, the next time you hear someone saying one of the above-mentioned myths, don’t be afraid to (politely) help them understand that it’s not always that simple or straightforward.