6 Relationship Red Flags Disguised as Caring Behaviors

When people think about domestic violence they tend to think of physical abuse. The trips to the emergency room. The broken bones. The bruises. This limited view of domestic violence means that thousands of abusive situations all over the world go unnoticed every year.

What people don’t think about are the non-violent controlling behaviors that also take place. These behaviors actually happen more frequently than physical abuse, but they are harder to recognize because they are often disguised as caring behaviors.

Here are six relationship red flags that I didn’t realize were controlling behaviors until I experienced them.

1. Your partner wants you to spend all of your time with them. It’s normal in a new relationship to want to spend as much time together as possible. Your partner wanting you to spend time with them becomes an issue when they want you to blow off plans you already have or a commitment like a family gathering. They may also get upset when you want to spend some time by yourself. Oftentimes, a controlling partner will guilt you into spending every waking moment with them by saying something like “you would hang out with me if you truly loved me.” A controlling partner may also not respect your alone time. They may frame you saying no to an invite to hang out as a personal attack or even evidence that you’re cheating on them, when really you just want a quiet night at home alone.
2. Your partner wants your social media passwords. This one may seem obvious to some people, but a controlling partner can be a master manipulator. They may tell you that you should have no problem sharing your passwords if you haven’t done anything wrong. They can also say they want to be able to log into your account and leave a little “I love you” message for later. Maybe they even tell you they’ve been cheated on before and now have trust issues. Their real goal is to keep tabs on who you are talking to in your DMs. This is also how a controlling partner can slowly get you to stop talking to your friends and family. If you know they have your passwords, you may not want to message anyone anymore because you’re afraid your partner will see the conservations.
3. Your partner disguises expectations as compliments. Who doesn’t love when their partner compliments their new hairstyle or new outfit? Having your partner tell you the new dress you bought looks great on you is completely fine. It becomes a problem when they tell you that you’re prettier when you wear dresses or that they don’t like when their girlfriend wears sweatpants because they look sloppy. This subtly creates the expectation of what you should and shouldn’t wear. A true compliment should make you feel great about yourself. An expectation about your appearance tends to feel more shameful or embarrassing, almost as if you let your partner down by not looking how they think you should look.
4. Your partner tricks you into believing you’re unlovable. If your partner says that most people wouldn’t love you because of a particular characteristic you have but they love you anyways, they aren’t really saying they love you. For example, a controlling partner may say something like, “You know, a lot of people wouldn’t like that you’re a little overweight, but I do.” They are trying to make you believe that they love you the way you are, but really what’s happening is that they are subtly making you feel bad about yourself and that no one else will love you but them. They make it seem like they are your only chance at love and that you’ll never find anyone as good as them.
5. Your partner convinces you to give up your goals. Everyone has major goals in life. Maybe one of yours is to go to college. A controlling partner may try to convince you to go to a college near home or near where they are going to go to college and may suggest it as a way for the two of you to be together more. They may talk you out of applying to the college on the other side of the country because they’d be sad that they wouldn’t get to spend as much time with you as they would if you go to a college that’s closer. They are making it seem like they want you to be closer because they love you, but really they are trying to keep you closer so they can keep tabs on you and keep you under their control as much as possible.
6. Your partner makes decisions for you. It may seem romantic for your partner to want to order for you at a restaurant, always be the one to drive, or always be the one who picks where you go on date night. In reality, these are all ways to subtly take away your decision-making power. Eventually, you’ll struggle to make decisions about other things, more important things like what job you should or shouldn’t apply for, and rely on your partner to make decisions for you.

All of these red flags are forms of domestic violence. Most people who experience these types of behaviors struggle to realize they are in an abusive relationship because the behaviors all happen subtly and over time. A controlling partner doesn’t come right out of the gate and tell you what to wear or who you can and can’t hang out with. Instead, they make small suggestions and veiled comments that slowly get you to start thinking and acting a different way.

By making it seem like they are complimenting you or showing you how much they love you when they do these different behaviors, they are making it harder for you to recognize that this is actually an abusive situation and that you aren’t safe in the relationship.

Every one of the examples I mentioned above are things I experienced in a previous relationship. At the time I thought all of these things just meant the guy loved me. I had no idea that he was manipulating me and trying to keep me under his control. Even now, more than 10 years after that relationship ended, I’m still realizing that some of the things he did were attempts at controlling me even more.

In these types of relationships, a person tends to lose who they are because they are trying so hard to please their partner. A truly loving partner should have your best interests at heart, support you and your goals, and make you feel like the most loved person on the planet.